After my early months as a fetus, I tried like hell not to get stuffed into my locker by pituitary freaks hyped up on pop rocks. I took up teaching to play the role of equalizer in unfair playground fights; I wasn't a natural at it, but soon learned how to inflict pain and not leave marks parents would question. I thought about becoming a person enjoyed by my students and enjoying them, but the district got a restraining order against me. Several 12-step programs later, my proselytizing the Druidic faith helped me avoid life complications like friends, dating, and family reunions.

I did not play cricket or bathe after the age of 30; I did hang about under trees with a sickle, communing with fellow Druids about the wonderful world of mistletoe, and had long arguments about the relative merits of virgin sacrifice during the equinox. I developed a healthy skepticism about religion and politics, and a certain cynical and (yes, let the truth be spoken) even sarcastic approach to off-topic posting.